Dan G

Fucking hell man, that was quickly spotted!

I originally wrote this for the sound engineers over at the andy sneap forums. But there has been a great response and it is now all over the net, so thought I would share it with people here: (basic audio engineering knowledge helps to understand this a bit better) MASTERED BY MUPPETS End of session day, Rubin works away: I'm your source of song-destruction Tunes that hurt you ear, poor sound engineer Leaving spikes on my instruction Trust me you will see Volumes all you need Dedicated to How I'll limit you Compressing faster Limit your Master Your albums sell faster With a loud Master Master Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing Just spiking snares, and auto-tuned screams Mastered Mastered Rubins my name, and I'll hear you scream Bastard Bastard Need to mix this way, never you dismay Loud makes death magnetic clearer Gain monopoly, ritual Waves L3 Squash your tracks til its severe Gate and you will see More and more dB Dedicated to How Im killing you Compressing faster Limit your Master Your albums sell faster With a loud Master Master Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing Just spiking snares, and auto-tuned screams Mastered Mastered Rubins my name, and I'll hear you scream Bastard Bastard Master, Master, where's the version I've been after? Bearded, Bastard, you promised only lies Blaster, Blaster, recorded on a ghetto blaster? Laughter, laughter, laughing at those highs Spike to me! Lars aint worth all that natural kick and hats Kirk adds wah without a reason Never ending phrase, Jaymz goes on for days Rob, your shirt is out of season Ill record til 5 (then) I will help you buy Sandals that suit you Now you look cool too

Totally agree, and I don't even care about selling merch or not if it's a decent gig - good gigs are the building blocks of a band. Not money from door tax. But usually you don't get paid if it's a poorly sold show, which means lack of people to potentially sell merch to so it's kind of a double whammy when you don't get paid to play a really shit/poorly promoted show.

Anal Cunt have done a few songs in a very similar vein: WOMEN, NATURE'S PUNCHING BAG Women, natures punching bag You didnt get me a beer You were one minute late with dinner You bought the wrong kind of beer You wanted a career You forgot to cash my unemployment check Youre having your period You want to visit your mother You want to have another kid DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS REALLY REALLY REALLY FUNNY You caught your wife fucking the mailman You threw her down a flight of stairs Your son came home with 4 Ds and an F You kicked him in the balls and in the face If I was a cop, called to your house Id congratulate you for beating your spouse Id shake your hand for beating your son If he was my kid, Id take out my gun Domestic violence is really, really, really funny Your teenage daughter came home pregnant for the 3rd or 4th time You put on your boots and kicked her in the stomach Then you caught your wife sucking the mailmans dick So you threw her down the stairs again If I was a cop, called to your house Id offer to shoot your no-good spouse If I had to deal with your teenage slut Id gladly kick her in the gut I CONVINCED YOU TO BEAT YOUR WIFE ON A DAILY BASIS BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT YOUR WIFE Your wifes so fucking possessive, she complains when youre with friends Shes always a whining cunt, you cave in 'cause youre a fag If she doesnt do the dishes or get you another beer Then punch her in the face and throw her down the stairs If you dont beat that cunt, shell walk all over you Beat her every day, its lots of fun too

That one wins. Far and away the best.

Clipping Death (Magnetic)

My suggestions: Dirty House, Battered Spouse If My Next Beer Isn't Cold Your Body Will Be There She Goes (Down The Stairs Again) Nag, Nag, Nag....Wham, Bam, Bodybag Don't Make Me Take Off My Belt ...And Clean Up Your Blood When I'm Finished Come Home Pissed, Wife Gets Kissed....With My Fist Did I Say You Could Cry?

What's brown and Rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre

hahahahaha. Well played sir. Domestic abuse, you don't need an excuse.

If we're being pedantic, the above sentence should have been started with a capital letter. That's actually a far more basic error than the extremely popular your/you're mix-up.

I doubt that would have been Rubin. He didn't mix or engineer the album, only produced it. Basically there is a "loudness war" going on at the moment. Albums are being compressed and limited to fuck so that they sound as loud as possible. Unfortunately it means that a lot of albums lack dynamics, and extreme cases (i.e. Death magnetic) the albums sound rubbish and clip all over the place.

Wifebeater didn't put up the tracks on a public forum and ask you for feedback though. And if anything they would proabably take "a drowning cat in horse manure" as a compliment on accounts of the viscerally comical yet brutal image it conjurs.

Half the songs are really good (still could have done with a little less repetition, like I've mentioned before), but still enjoyable. Judas Kiss, All Nightmare Long, That Was Just Your Life, Broken Beat & Scarred and The End of The Line have some great bits here and there. Kirks soloing is FUCKING SHIT though. Not a memorable solo on there. It was cool around load/reload that he stopped playing fast because he at least wrote catchy memorable solos that worked with the song. But there isn't a single good melodic phrase or even a vaguely impressive lick in any of the solos on DM - which is a real shame. This should provide some entertainment though:

caparison concept They're just nice, expensively built guitars (although I got mine for half the retail price) that are great to play and have great tone... Hand built in Japan rather than production line in Korea. Thanks for the other kind comments chaps!

They aren't my hats - this isn't my room/house. But yeah, they are pretty swish.

Soilwork are a Swedish metal band that I was really into between 2-7 years ago. They've kinda gone downhill over the last few years, but they really helped caparison guitars get a name for themselves by getting a lot of the current American bands (eg Killswitch Engage) to use them. (the guitar is signed on the back but it's pretty much worn off... however I bought it for the tone rather than someone's name in marker pen)

by Soilwork... Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

Got the album on friday... song wise it is not too bad at all, I think the 3 songs they exposed before the release are 3 of the worst. It just sounds like it was mixed by a name producer who doesn't know anything about metal. As the snare is so loud I don't want to really crank the volume, so as a result the guitars don't feel meaty enough in comparison. I'm happy enough though and it blows st anger away. Not better than the black album as some people suggest... If I'd have produced the album (and had balls big enough) I would have said the following major points: 1) I don't care if you want a really loud "natural" sounding kit, it sounds like ass. This is what we're going for *hands Lars formation of damnation by Testament* And I'm bigger than you so there. 2) Guys. Guys. 3 or 4 long songs is cool. You're Metallica - go for it. But over 70 minutes of songs, all of them epic? We don't REALLY need that extra 15 minutes of third or fourth verses do we... We'll put those in the 'maybe pile' shall we? *sends to recycle bin* 3) Ok chaps. We've got some epicly long songs... and we've got some cool riffs. But where is the epic sections? Three part harmonies. Thats right, like the start of Battery or the end of And Justice For All. Yes, I know it's a lot less effort to write 50 riffs in pro-tools and copy and paste them together, but your massive post-Maiden middle sections of the mid to late 80's were an absolute treat on the ears. 4) James my son. Get your wife to pick up the kids, you're tracking guitars til 2am mate. What's that? Your wife is busy today? Fuck it, send Kirk. He ain't touching this record til solo time. And, yes I know you've already played that riff perfectly. Twice. We're going to do that again. And again. Layer it until it sounds like fucking SATAN. 5) Time out boys, I'm writing a letter to Andy Sneap. Dear Mr Sneap, The album is coming along nicely. Could you mix and master it please. Our budget is infinity billion pounds. Ta. AWESOME - THIS ALBUM WINS NOW!

As Scott Says, professionalism aside...: If you AGREE a fee and someone doesn't pay anywhere near the amount or doesn't pay it at all it is annoying. If it happens repeatedly in a very short space of gigs then it becomes ridiculous. If you sold something on ebay, send it out for hefty delivery price, and the guy doesn't pay you at all you would be raging. If that happens to you 4 times in the space of selling 6 items you start to feel like a fucking mug. We have effectively had to pay about 4 van's tank-loads of diesel for 4 gigs around scotland in the last month. And that's before you incur any personal petrol costs etc. for cars (in addition to the van getting to the gigs, I drove about 700 miles in total for those gigs because I had to work during the day. I don't mind paying my own fuel but when you then have to pay additional fuel money into the van just to get it home because the promoter's done a runner and left you with no cash....)

Shouldn't that be straight FROM your point?

Yes it is. It is effectively saying "this new album is so good it is better than the 22million+ selling Black album; THE biggest selling metal album of all time". (I haven't heard the album, but I doubt I will rate it higher than the black album...)

"Dick snot" always amused me. As does "knuckle children".

Although cringing at my own performance as well as being suckered in, I have to admit in hindsight Neil ex is comedy gold. How could anyone take him that seriously?! But alas it was 5 years ago now... I can only assume that I thought he was simple at the time. His banter reminds me of Rune - but WITH irony... Good days.

Maybe the kids enjoyed it though? You're assuming that they didn't have a good time because it was morally deplorable. Basically they whored themselves out to a seedy man, and ended up with a couple of thousand pounds. I don't see how it's any different to a battle of the bands! (my initial post was actually purely for comedy's sake, but the more I think about it...)

Completely agree. In fact this isn't something I can necessarily 'agree' (or disagree) with as such because it's a fact. And this is also very true. In addition, regardless of budget; musicianship and/or attitude (or lack of) will ALWAYS come across in a recording. The huge difference in quality between certain band's Captain Tom's output is testament to this. I WISH bassists learned from this experience but alas....getting laid is getting laid in some peoples eyes.